Almost 30 days ago I turned 31. I know that sentence alone is making you say, " so how is she going to speak about a JOURNEY? It's only been a year!" Well in such a short time, I have realized that 30s are so different from the 20s.
At 18 I realized that I was not in the body that I thought I should be in. At 163 I felt fat; not unattractive, just fat. That feeling alone was enough to affect the way that I viewed myself. Because I felt fat, I did not feel completely beautiful. Sure I can blame that on society and how it portrays overweight women, but I have to take ownership for that feeling as well. Instead of focusing on the other beautiful things about myself though, I opted to lose weight. And I did. In 2 years I lost 45 lbs and I knew I had solved that beauty issue. Embracing what my best friend and I call the Skinny Girl Syndrome, I basked in my new body. I wore skimpy outfits and drank in the flattery and admiration from men and women alike. All through my 20s I leaned on my body coupled with my cute face and I allowed it to make me feel like I reached the standard of beauty that everyone wants to reach. Then I turned 28 and slacked on my workout. At 29 I slacked on my eating and continued to neglect physical fitness. I gained 30 lbs. To make matters worse, I went natural, something else that made me question my beauty because it was not conventional. At 30 I moved back to Virginia and decided that I needed to get back on track and find my "beauty" again; I also went back to the creamy crack.
If you want to lose lbs, Weight Watchers is the way to go. By April I had lost 30 lbs without lifting a single weight or running a single lap. Couple that with my straight relaxed hair and in my mind all I could think was I'm BACK! 6 months later, I gained ALL of the weight back, and I lost ALL of what I thought beauty should be. My "beauty" was gone...again. Back to the overweight girl of my teens that loathed her stomach and big arms. Even my relaxed hair didn't make me feel beautiful. Then one day I woke up and realized why my "beauty" was gone. It wasn't because of my weight or my hair. It was simply because I did not know what beauty truly was.
At 31 I think I know. All of these years I have based beauty on my looks. That has NOTHING to do with it. Beauty is how you view yourself. Beauty is how you treat strangers. Beauty is how you love others. Beauty is in your goals, aspirations, and dreams. Your mental state makes you beautiful. The way you feel inside is the way that you look on the outside. If you value God, yourself, others, and nature it will show on the outside; it will produce a glow that weight loss and straight hair cannot match. The best part of all is that all of those things make you beautiful on the outside as well. My mission is different now. I still want to lose 30 lbs. Not because I want to look good in a dress, but because I want to do it for my future: my future kids, my future husband, MY future. Being here for them and for myself motivates me to change my lifestyle. To me that is the true definition of beauty.
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